My Head Just May Explode

 
At this point, it has been so long since I've written that I don't think I have any readers anymore, but today I really felt like writing, so who cares if no one is reading!  I've been distracted lately, by more than a few extraordinary events.  

Chronologically, the first distraction has been having my head examined!  I know, I know, it's about time!! lol  But since having Evey, my already annoying migraines went supernova - striking unexpectedly, where they used to be fairly regular and predicable - clustering for days on end - and adding frightening new symptoms like vertigo and numbness.  Consequently, Tysen insisted I start seeing some doctors.  After past negative experiences, I was cynical, and it hasn't been an easy couple of months, with tests of every kind and experimenting with medications, but I'm pretty happy with the results.  Instead of daily chronic headaches with frequent migraines, I have now gone as many as four days without any sort of headache, and the migraine frequency and severity has been cut about in half!  Down side, the meds I'm now on make me drowsy, and it is impossible to get up in the mornings!  Most days Tysen gets the boys ready and takes them to school while I sleep through the whole thing, alarm, kids, and all.  The girls come in and wake me as soon as they get up, and I zombie my way through the morning.  By lunch I'm totally normal, and I'm told that as I build up tolerance to the drug, I will get less and less sleepy.  The saga still continues though, because I have some random spots in my brain - likely results of severe migraines - that are under investigation.  I underwent an MRV yesterday that was absolute torture.  On the upside, I get to blame everything now on this - "I forgot that completely, but you know, I do have a spotty brain."

The second HUGE distraction is Tysen's sudden inspiration to buy a new house.  He came home after a day of financial meetings that discussed the interest rates and opportunities they present, and lunch with a friend who designs homes, completely convinced that now is the perfect window of opportunity for us.  I was less enthusiastic.  Why?  Because I am a tangled mess of over-analytical, over-sentimental, over-thinking!  It's not that a new house doesn't sound good, it's just that I don't know what I want.  And in the meantime, I'm losing all my feminist credentials as everyone is made perfectly aware that Tysen wants to move and is moving us wether or not I want to.  So I feel some need to set the record straight on that, and maybe work out how I feel by writing about it.  

First, if I said to Tysen - "I do not want to move, I want to stay in this house because..." and was able to present him with some rational reasons, he would never go against my wishes (and I wouldn't let him!!).  But in the void of my indecision, why not trust his decisiveness?  The For Sale sign went in our yard yesterday, and it is totally freaking me out.  When I told Chloe what it means, she cried for 20 min. but then asked if we could go see some model homes today.  Every model we walk through Chloe says she wants to live in - which I sympathize with - but she cries and cries at the idea of leaving this house.  It is no wonder that Tysen is confused by me when I'm acting the same way as the three year old!!

Now, in perfect impossible decision practice, I'll list the pros and cons of each and see which list is better.

Staying Put Pros: the excellent neighbors next door. - I know that some say I should "cut the chord" and move away from the parents just as a matter of maturity, but I have so much loved living next to them that it truly is the most compelling reason to stay.  Financial Security - Tysen assures me that we can afford a bigger, newer house, and we pre-qualified easily, but we know for sure that we can make this house payment, and a new, larger payment may force cut-backs in other lifestyle choices.  I would rather be a stay-at-home mom in a little, old, creaky house, than have to go to work to afford a pretty new home.  Sentimentality - how can I walk away from the place where I brought my babies home, where they took their first steps?  Blood, Sweat, and Tears - this place was a mess when we bought it.  We have invested $60,000 in fixing, renovating, and upgrading the home - not to mention the hours and hours of our lives dedicated to those projects.  My kitchen is pure joy to me, because I picked everything out, I tiled and grouted the backsplash, together with Papa I tiled and grouted the fireplace, when pregnant and ill, I learned to use a grinder and installed much of the rock on the house facade.  Everywhere I look, I can say, "I did that!" - Other neighbors.  Our neighbors like us, especially Tysen's love for beautiful landscaping.  I know that I shouldn't feel responsible for everyone's lives, but I do feel keenly the apprehension they all have at what kind of neighbors will replace us.

Staying Put Cons: I never planned to stay here forever.  We had a five year plan that turned into ten years and counting.  I don't like the floorplan - I want a greatroom off the kitchen and a small formal living room.  Even if we finish the basement, the family would all be downstairs while I'm upstairs in the kitchen.  I never wanted that.  - One bathroom, no master bath - tiny dining space. Once Evey is out of the high-chair, we won't be able to all sit at the table together.  There isn't enough room for a table big enough.  We can't build out back either because of the shape of the yard. - The house still has problems.  The floors creak EVERYWHERE, the bathroom floor is rotting away and needs to be replaced, and we're still daily finding insane things the Booths did that we have to repair.  I never have felt like it's my house, especially when I'm constantly living with decisions they made (the house still has a smell that isn't bad, but is "their" smell, and nothing we do, paint, replace everything, air fresheners, gets rid of it completely)! - The bulk of the yard is front yard, which means lots of landscaping, but little real space for hanging out. - The neighborhood is nice (our corner of it) and quiet, but that's because there are no kids.  All around us are retirees or near retirees (or non-english speaking families).  There are no friends around for the kids.  Church even gears for an older audience.  It would be wonderful to be part of a younger neighborhood. - Schools suck.  The local school gets a rating of 3 out of 10 on the biggest school rating website.  So the kids go to the charter, which has an educational philosophy that I disagree with more and more every year.  The school is uptight, negative, and unhealthily competitive.  If we stay, I don't know what to do about education for next year.

Moving Pros: Bigger, newer house.  Hopefully fewer constant repairs and replacements.  A floor plan of my choosing.  More space.  - Younger neighborhood, not guaranteed, but that's where we keep looking for houses.  Friends for the kids.  Potentially great schools.  A new adventure.  All the stuff listed in Staying Put Cons!

Moving Cons: Financial scariness.   Disappointing next door neighbors. Leaving the known and comfortable for the unknown.  Probable year-round school.  Landscaping a new yard from scratch.  Still can't afford a 4 bedroom, so I'd get my formal living room and great room, but would have to finish a basement bedroom either way.  Leaving my gorgeous custom kitchen.  All the stuff listed in Staying Put Pros.

So there it all is.  Whew!  Doubt anyone but me will ever get through it all, but it feels good to sort it out like that.  Did it make my decision though?  Of course not!!  Because you still have to add into the discussion all my psychological insanity and guilt about stupid things like, "the pioneers raised families of 12 in one room cabins - what kind of wimp am I to say I can't breathe in this house with five kids?" and a whole pile of irrational, strange hang-ups and I'm still all tied up in knots.  Who, in their right mind, would hesitate when their spouse comes home, lays out the financial possibilities in black and white, and says that he can give you a better, bigger, more beautiful home?  Who turns around and says, "well, I don't know!  I'm not sure."  Seriously, Chloe would be better at making this decision than I am!!

And between headache stuff and house stuff and all the day-to-day stuff, my head may very well explode!!!  Help!
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